Open Adoption

If you have just read Jessy's adoption story (see label on right) - I thought I should explain some things on open adoption since they all do not end up like Jessy's.

Of the four adoptions we have - all are open in a sense, 2 are very open. We have always based the relationships on the best interest of the child and our family in general. We have done that with all our kids. Dani's birthmom lives out of state - we don't see her very much but still have an open relationship with her and her family. At this point Steph's adoption is closed with the birthmother although I do have contact with two of her children occasionally. I guess all that to say is that I don't think this is a blanket thing that works for everyone and every child. I have counseled people to NOT have it open in certain situations. It has to be right and it has to be good for everyone involved. There are so many degrees of openness and it will be different for everyone. Some families just write letters and pictures. Some do nothing. Some are totally closed although nowadays that is rare. Most birthmom's do want some sort of contact.

The relationships we have with all 4 of the kids birth families are actually different and vary in terms of their openness. My first two are pretty much the same as they live pretty near us and we have really great relationships with them. It is so "normal" for my kids because we make it normal. It works because we all agree on how it's going to work.

We have never signed agreements with any of the families – it has all been up to Robert and I and what we thought best as parents. We never would have signed anything. Not that it is wrong, but we feel strongly that if they are trusting us as parents than we are the parents no matter what. This is not co-parenting. How could we agree to something when it might not be in the best interest of the child later on? We had verbal agreements with the families – basically that we love open adoption and will embrace it unless it has an adverse effect on the child or family. All the families have always made us feel that we are the parents and that the child is ours and ours alone. We would really struggle if they didn't treat us as such. They have not overstepped their bounds, they always shown us respect as parents and they have treated all my kids pretty much the same. They have not burdened me with their feelings or struggles – they have always made both of us feel free to parent our kids.

I remember Bonnie telling me that birthmom's give up their right to parent NOT to love. That has always stuck with me. It has always seemed so clear to us that we are the parents but that everyone can love the child so it has been an easy thing I guess for me to grasp. I have not felt threatened by them. I don't feel like I am not the mom etc. If I ever felt that way, it wouldn't work. I think they all know that they have given up their right to parent and so there is no issue there. They definitely have a deep love for the child and our family so it works for them too. Not sure if I am explaining it right but I'm trying to say there is no conflict because I guess we all understand our roles. I also think it's a privilege and not a right. If they made me feel like I was obligated or should, I don't think I would want to do it. They have all been so gracious and loving in the whole process that we all took one day at a time.

We saw them more as the kids were younger. Everyone grows up and gets busy. As our family get's busier, it definitely gets harder.

Many people ask us what my kids call the birthmom's. They call them by their names. The grandparents have special names or Grandma, Papa. It just works. When we first ask L's mom what she wanted Jessy to call her, she was in shock because she didn't want to take away from my mom or Robert's mom. She was so sweet...she had taken a backseat right from the start and was not pushy at all…but we felt that she is J's Grandma and that is who she is. Everyone else is basically by their name.

If anyone is reading this and you have other questions please ask!